With my hand on my heart and my eyes tightly shut, I prayed a prayer that would one day become a lifestyle: “Lord, search my heart and reveal anything that is hindering your love from flowing through me.”
Soon, I saw a big yellow bloom and God said, “You’re my sunflower.” I was disappointed. To me, sunflowers were brash and gaudy. My favourite flower was a freesia – subtle, dainty and sweet-scented.
“I don’t like that”, I thought, “I don’t want to be a sunflower, I want to be a freesia. I want to blend in and not stand out.”
JUST BE QUIET
I often felt that I said too much. I would sometimes set out to a party or church gathering determined to be quiet. However, within a matter of minutes, I would be one of the loudest ladies in the room.
Then I’d beat myself up on the way home, replaying the things I’d said and done that I wished I hadn’t said or done. I would worry that I’d been misunderstood. I would regret the bad impression that I assumed I’d made.
As a child, I was called a chatterbox and during my teenage years, I was known as a big-mouth. But I would have loved to be calm & quiet. As I sat in God’s presence, a myriad of memories flashed through my mind. That one image had gone to the core of my view of myself.
Eventually, I responded to the Lord, “But I don’t want to be a sunflower. I want to be a freesia, a wallflower or a poppy!” As I shared my deep sense of dislike for the way I was, the love of God filled my heart. He showed me how much He loves me way just the way He made me.
ACCEPTING MYSELF
God didn’t make me like a wallflower, He made me like a sunflower. I’m not subtle, sweet or mild. I am big, bright and bold. With tears streaming down my cheeks, I accepted the way I was and asked Him to help me to stop striving to be someone else.
In Psalm 139:13-14, King David said: “For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; marvellous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well.”
David had come to appreciate the person that God made him to be. In the depths of his heart, he understood his value. God wants you to grasp and acknowledge your worth too.
I started this blog by sharing the prayer that led to this precious encounter with God. When we don’t like the way we are, it is an obstacle to us becoming our best. When I started to accept myself the way I was, God began a wonderful work in me that led to Him working through me.
If you still struggle to like or accept yourself just the way you are, use the rest of this year to allow the Lord to shine His light in your heart. All my books, especially My Whole Heart (also on audio), will help take you on a journey of discovery and healing. Or have a browse around our website for courses and messages. Please hit the heart button at the top of this blog, comment and share if this ministered.
Con la mano en el corazón y los ojos cerrados hice una oración que se convirtió en un estilo Vida: “Señor escudriña mi corazón y revela si hay algo que está estorbando que tu amor fluya a través de mi.”
Vi una flor amarilla, y escuché “tu eres mi girasol.” Me sentí triste esa flor me parece chillona y llamativa. La Fresia es mi flor favorita. Es sutil, delicada y de aroma dulce.
“No me gusta,” pensé, “no quiero ser un girasol, quiero ser una fresia.” “Me gusta pasar por desapercibida y no llamar la atención.”
SOLO HAS SILENCIO
A menudo sentía que hablaba mucho. Rumbo a una fiesta o reunión en la iglesia iba determinada a no hablar. Sin embargo, en minutos, era la mujer más bulliciosa.
De regreso a casa me iba golpeando, evaluando todo lo que había hecho y deseando que no lo hubiera hecho. Me preocupaba el ser mal entendida. Me arrepentía de causar una mala impresión en otros.
Cuando niña, me llamaban cotorra y en mi adolescencia, me llamaban bocona. Pero a mi me hubiera gustado ser callada y calma.
Mientras me senté en la presencia de Dios, miles de memorias se desataron en mi mente. Pero una imagen se había apegado a mi identidad y como yo me veía.
Eventualmente, le conteste al Señor, “no quiero ser un girasol, quiero ser fresia, alhelí o amapola.”
Mientras compartía la profunda aversión hacia mi misma, el amor de Dios lleno mi corazón. El me mostró lo mucho que me ama de la manera que soy.
ACEPTÁNDOME
Dios no me hizo como el alhelí, me hizo como el girasol. No soy sutil, dulce o suave. Soy grande, brillante y osada. Con lágrimas en mi rostro, me acepte como Dios me creo y le pedí que me ayudara de dejar de desear ser alguien más.
El salmo 139:13-14 dice: “Porque tú formaste mis entrañas; Tú me hiciste en el vientre de mi madre. Te alabaré; porque formidables, maravillosas son tus obras; Estoy maravillado, Y mi alma lo sabe muy bien.”
David tuvo que levantarse y apreciar como Dios lo creo. En lo profundo de su corazón, el entendió su valía. Dios quiere que reconozcas y abraces quien tu eres también.
Empecé este blog compartiendo la oración que me llevo al encuentro con Dios. Cuando no nos gusta quien somos, es un obstáculo para manifestar lo mejor de nosotros. Hasta que empecé a abrazar quien yo soy, Dios empezó a trabajar en mi y esto le llevo a trabajar a través de mi.
Si estás luchando por aceptar quien tu eres, usa el resto de este año para que la luz de Cristo trabaje en tu corazón. Mi libro “My Whole Heart” , que también está en audio, te ayudará en el viaje rumbo al descubrimiento y la sanidad.
Thank you Jo, I have struggled all my life not been comfortable with my self, wanting to be some one else,so painful,now in my sixties I am more comfortable, but still I know there is more to be done. I am looking forward to healed 4, life at the end of the month.Thank you for sharing with such openness.
Thank you for sharing Jean, I know God will do a wonderful work in you.
Hello Jo,
I was led to your Premier radio interview A life Changing Word and this particular blog today. I am 60 in two days time and have no idea where my life is going. Our stories are parallel. I went to Christian Adventure camps in the 1970’s. I gave my life to Jesus aged 11. My parents were Christian but our family life was incredibly dysfunctional, as you say nothing discussed. Everything swept under carpets. I went to university and was utterly unprepared for life and I became hooked into addictive behaviours . .
Now Empty nest syndrome. One daughter successfully placed in a post grad scheme in Manchester another in final year Cardiff university.
Neither my husband or daughters are Christian. I have been praying for them 26 years. Jesus came back
Into my life 6 months after I was married.
I have bipolar and BPD and I have struggled to understand how God can use me when I am laid low much of the time. The main issue is : AM I bipolar or do I HAVE bipolar ? Because this illness makes me do and say things that are reprehensible. And separating my character and self from behaviour is tricky.
I believe God loves me this way but it is hard to accept myself at times.
Today I needed to hear and read what you have to say. I believe God will use me in some way. I am not a reject or discarded. I have no idea what lies ahead.
Sometimes you just have to step into the void.
Yes God will use you just the way you are. Thank you for sharing your story. Much love